Dear Marriage

It’s been two years now since my divorce, I am thankful to still love and have picked up every broken piece.

I was never the girl who would dream of her wedding dress or had a particular age I’d like to be married. If I’m being honest, I didn’t grow up seeing the best sides of marriage. I felt like so many people complained about how they wish they didn’t get married or it didn’t seem as if they even liked each other. So I opted for either being single or in a relationship, marriage was not a hot topic.

But there was something different about him, literally after he slid in my DM’s and a few conversations in, I knew I wanted to marry him. Modern day love story right here.

What I didn’t know was how he, our relationship and later marriage would change my life.

He was a sweet guy, the type of guy who would run me a bubble bath after a long day and would do random thoughtful things.

Our relationship was full of insecurities, lies and instability. But there was something that made me hold on, I latched on to the dysfunction in hopes of my love saving him

Why do we as women often sacrifice ourselves in hopes of earning the love and dedication from others?

New flash, love should never have to be earned.

It would seem as if no matter how much I sacrificed, it was never enough for him.

I spent many nights in tears, home alone and isolating myself from everyone.

You would think I had the ring, the man and home but I felt so alone.

My life began to change when a therapist commented on my post, it was one of those cryptic cry for help type of post.

I’ll never forget meeting up with her and as soon as she asked me “so tell me what’s been going on.” I burst into tears in the middle of Starbucks. As I explained all I was dealing with, she said honey “you experiencing emotional abuse.” In my mind I was like “GIRL” emotional abuse is just bad words, but no it’s so much deeper and more. I couldn’t make a decision for myself.

The first step for me was finding the courage to leave, it was in March and although I had every hope to come back “home” to my husband, the toxic behavior drove me to a point of where I had to save myself.

It takes a lot of courage and guts to leave someone you love, even if it’s at the expense of your happiness and sanity.

I’ll be the first to say divorce SUCKS! My goodness, it’s such a roller coaster of emotions and you almost feel like you’ll never recover.

But I’ll be the first to say, there is light at the end of the tunnel, even when you can’t see it.

When it comes to hurt, breakups and leaving bad situations it’s not selfish to chose yourself, in fact it initially feels really weird and almost like you shouldn’t.

But love isn’t dysfunctional, toxic or something where one is able to dump all their crap on you.

Love is not having to endure great pain in order to reach the happy and bliss.

Love is happy and bliss upfront, it’s a mutual respect and continued journey to know and discover each other.

Love is beautiful and so is marriage.

But I will say it gets complicated when we refuse to see the red flags or when our boundaries are crossed.

You will sacrifice and compromise in love but it should never come with manipulation or guilt.

Through my journey of rediscovery, I' have a newly defined definition of what it means to love myself, give love and receive love.

If there’s anything I can leave you with, it’s to set boundaries and standards for yourself and know you are deserving and worthy of a healthy love and relationship.

Don’t settle for the bare minimum and never sacrifice your peace of mind.